I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
