After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
