Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
