I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
