my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
