I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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