glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
