i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
