fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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