I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
We named our party play list daddy issues
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
