you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
