just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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