you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
