Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
