my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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