I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
