My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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