glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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