It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
