His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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