Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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