my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
