I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
