I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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