he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
