Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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