Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
