I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
