So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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