she was so not down for the gang bang
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
