Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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