she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I still have a little drunk in my system
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