My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
