In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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