I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
