"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
