She is in my trunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
