my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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