If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
