You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
