It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
