I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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