jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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