My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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