Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
