dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
