I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
