Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
