oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
