I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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